When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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