It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
