Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
