Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
