dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
