The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
