Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
