1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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