Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
