having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
