Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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