pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
