I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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