Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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