I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
