As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
