I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
