New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
