i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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