No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
