I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
