Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Every concussion has its silver lining
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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