just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
