My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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