no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
