I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
