Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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