How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
