Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
