before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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