I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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