You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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