My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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