it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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