she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
