Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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