Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
