somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
