i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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