Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
