College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I need a beard to bite.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
