I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
