Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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