Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
