Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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