so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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