Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
