oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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