he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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