remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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