She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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